Managing friendships is never easy when you live in poverty

 

By Kendall Worth

In today’s BLOG, I will share the story of Flow, a woman whose life reflects many of the issues that I regularly address in this BLOG. 

As is my practice when sharing the personal stories of First Voices in my community, “Flow” is not her real name, it is the pseudonym she chose with this unique spelling. I always use “fake names” to ensure people’s privacy and to protect them from social stigma.

Introducing 'Flow'

In some ways, Flow’s daily life and situation will sound very similar to regular readers of my BLOG.  She has been on Income Assistance for the past 12 years of her life and over this time, she has found herself slowly becoming more isolated and more introverted. (I have written about the overlap between poverty and the rise of introverts here.)

In terms of personal finances, Flow’s monthly income is $1,770 – the sum total of the Standard Household rate for Income Assistance / IA ($1,022), the Disability Supplement ($324), a Rent Subsidy ($330), Special Needs Telephone Allowance ($40) and two Special Diet Allowances ($54).

At first glance, this may seem quite generous. But a hard reality is faced on the expense side of the ledger, with Rent ($1100 a month), Power ($80), Phone ($98), Special Dietary Needs ($54) – which then leaves only $438 for EVERYTHING else, - including groceries and expenses for her cat.  

Needless to say, in these times of never ending price increases, making ends meet each month is a challenge.  As a result, Flow is obliged late every month to make use of food banks and soup kitchens. She finds these times to be very stressful as they can often involve a lot of undesired social engagement.

This reflects the wider challenges that Flow faces with regards to social relations, the sorts of challenges that I have discussed in many earlier BLOGs:  Flow has serious issues with social anxiety so she is inclined to withdraw from social interactions and public spaces, and prefers to stay within her personal “comfort zone” (see here for related BLOGs).

Flow is concerned with having her personal boundaries respected, which she finds difficult to do in situations like soup kitchens where many people sit at a shared table and some view this as an opportunity for active socializing. (I have written about this issue here.)

It is important to note that (not unusual for IA recipients), Flow is estranged from her direct family. This is a major contributor to social isolation, which is a deep and problematic reality for many in our community, as I have also discussed in earlier BLOGs.

Introducing James

But there is one VERY important twist to Flow’s story, that is not at all typical. Flow has a friend – James.  This friendship puts Flow into the minority of IA recipients – the fortunate 20% that are not totally socially isolated and have succeeded in not just building but also maintaining one or more friendships. (This figure is my estimate based on personal experience and observation - I have written about the unproven nature of this statistic here and here.) 

I cannot over-estimate the importance of these friends to people in my community. To be true friends, these individuals are people who likely know the IA recipient from other parts of their lives and do not stigmatize them for their personal situation and the struggles of their life in poverty.  My observation is that they are not likely to be acquaintances from the gathering spots of our community such as Soup-Kitchens, Food-Banks and Drop-in centres. These friends are most likely to come from other social contacts or networks.

In Flow’s case, her friend James is not an income assistance recipient himself but is a person who she knows from childhood and school days. He understands Flow’s personal situation and the reasons why she is on IA.  To his credit, James came with Flow to the interview we had together in which she openly shared her story.

The Challenges of Friendship

Flow and James seem to agree that one of the reasons they have remained friends over the years is that James comes from a family of health care workers. While he is not a health care worker himself, he seems to have both a good understanding of the issues involved, as well as a sense of empathy. As such, he understands why Flow is in the situation she is, and why she has been on Income Assistance for so many years.

In this regard, Flow is indeed fortunate to have such a friend. However, maintaining this friendship over the years has been a challenge and they strive to define the relationship clearly and to keep strict boundaries. For example, Flow comes from a family where alcohol was a significant part of social gatherings and growing up she witnessed many situations where people's boundaries were overstepped because of alcohol. As a result, one of the boundaries she has established with her friend James is that when they spend time together, there is to be no alcohol.

However, Flow’s concerns about social anxiety and boundaries go far beyond alcohol.

There are also the complicated dynamics of opposite gender friendships. Flow and James agree that there are boundary challenges inherent in these sorts of friendships, and Flow is particularly aware of the risks as James is effectively the only friend she has in her personal life. It became clear during our conversation that Flow has given this issue some serious thought. She even pointed me to this online article that directly addresses this issue, and provides some useful ground rules for boundary setting between opposite gender friends.

Flow emphasized that for her, the BIG issue is not the nature of opposite gender relations. Rather, it is the reality that James is her only close friend and she deeply values that friendship. When a person has only one friend, there can be pressure on that friendship to meet many different social and emotional needs that would normally be spread across a wider circle of friends, family members, and community connections. This can create challenges in maintaining healthy boundaries, even when both people have the best of intentions.

To help in this regard, Flow has established another boundary: she and James only get together two weekends each month. This arrangement helps both of them maintain balance and personal space.

There are, however, exceptions - particularly around holidays such as Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas. No one wants to spend those occasions completely alone, and since James's family does not always celebrate these holidays (such is the life of health care workers), Flow and James do try to celebrate those holidays together.

Beyond these get-togethers with James, Flow is generally by herself. While she does experience loneliness and social isolation at times, Flow also values her independence and does not mind spending time alone. As such, she views the task of maintaining boundaries not in terms of avoiding friendship. But rather as a mechanism to protect a friendship that has become especially important and is free from stigma and judgement.  

In Conclusion:

I will end this BLOG post by simply noting that when you live in poverty, nothing is ever easy. Despite her many financial challenges, Flow seems to have taken a very mature and responsible approach to building and maintaining her all-important friendship with James.

For this, she should be congratulated. As my regular readers will know, I have long been advocating for the establishment of a Social Prescribing Organization here in Nova Scotia. I have argued that such an organization could help many more IA recipients to build and maintain new friendships to break through the barriers of social isolation and strengthen people’s mental health and well-being.  An SPO would also help people like Flow to expand and diversify their social networks, which can only be for the better.  

Let us continue to promote such a step forward in Nova Scotia!

 

Kendall Worth is an award-winning anti-poverty activist who lives with disabilities and tries to make ends meet on income assistance.